The Battle of the Sexes Thread

[ElfyX]

the perfect man.

the perfect man is gentle,
never cruel or mean,
he has a beautiful smile,
and keeps his face so clean,

the perfect man likes children,
and will raise them by your side,
he will be a good father,
as well as a good husband to his bride,

the perfect man loves cooking,
cleaning and hoovering too
he'll do anything in his power,
to convay his feelings of love for you,

the perfect man is sweet,
writing poetry from your name,
he's a best freind to your mother,
and kisses away your pain,

he has never made you cry,
or hurt you in anyway,
oohh stuff this stupid poem
the perfect man is GAY

elfyx

[Fli]

Lisped a limp-wristed cowboy named Fay,
"It's a hell of a place to be gay!
I must, on these prairies,
Due to a shortage of fairies,
With the deer and the antelope play!"

[Pasha]

7 Stages of Sex
________________________________________


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex,
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex,
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own

[Pasha]

Guts and Balls
________________________________________
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death

[kaylee]

The perfect husband

You swept her off of her feet, walked down the aisle, and dreamed dreams of forever together. Your dreams can be reality, but marriage takes work. Ideally, you'd love to be the perfect husband to her. But how? Realising no one or thing is truly perfect, you can always take steps toward being a better partner for your wife.

Listen to her. Women want and need their husbands to listen, whereas men hear a problem or concern and immediately think of how it can be fixed.

Show her that you love her. The smallest things can be the most meaningful. Leave her a note. Tell her how much you care. Surprise her with dinner or flowers.

Compliment her. Positive confirmations will make her feel better about herself, which will only strengthen your connection.

Tell her you love her, and why.

Show interest in things, and people, who make her happy. She'll value your thoughtfulness.

[Pasha]

Update on Monica Lewinsky

After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a Mirror...
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her..
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..
'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,
She prayed...

And just like that... Her ears fell off...

[Pasha]

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn’t worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, “Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!”

[kergotu]

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[kergotu]

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

[kergotu]

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. ;D