|
Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 14, 2011 13:26:54 GMT 1
Oh, dear pasha, Will you be my Valentine?. Of course dear trolley xxxx
|
|
|
Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 19, 2011 13:25:12 GMT 1
Why Men Are Happier---
Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men's last name never changes.
Everything on a man's face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks
Men can open all their own jars.
|
|
|
Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 19, 2011 13:26:16 GMT 1
Thought for the Day
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
|
|
|
Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 19, 2011 13:29:55 GMT 1
The Five Toughest Questions For Married Men:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
Here is the problem: If the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth), every single one is absolutely guaranteed to explode into a major argument.
As a public service, I analyze each question and provide the possible answers.
#1: What are you thinking about?
The best answer to this is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which is, most likely, one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best classic response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
#2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!"
If you feel a more detailed answer is in order: "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Yah, sure, you betcha.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said "yes"?
c. That depends on exactly what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
#3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
#4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you, when you were her age.
d. It depends on how you define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
#5: What would you do if I died?
This is the all-time, no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
There is no good answer.
No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: (After a long pause) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
|
|
|
Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 20, 2011 13:42:49 GMT 1
Why Men Wear Earrings?
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car!!."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
|
|
|
Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 20, 2011 13:48:23 GMT 1
DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
Like this one lol--
The wife came home early and found herhusband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
|
|
|
Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 22, 2011 7:57:53 GMT 1
Some Marriage Math(s):
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + smart woman = affair Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
|
|
Sandy
Love it here
Posts: 371
|
Post by Sandy on Feb 22, 2011 10:32:32 GMT 1
Why Dogs are Better than Men (by Jennifer Berman)
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent because they know the most important thing is that you are together. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas. You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. Dogs are good with kids. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. Gorgeous dogs don't know they are gorgeous. The worst social disease you can get from your dog is fleas. (okay...the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) Dogs understand what no means. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species. Dogs understand if some of their friends can not come inside. Dogs do not read at the table. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. You can house train a dog. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. Dogs admit it when they are lost. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. Dogs look at your eyes. Dogs like your size. Dogs do not care whether or not you shave your legs. Dogs are color blind. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs are nice to your relatives. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
|
|
|
Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 26, 2011 7:21:16 GMT 1
nice one spanial-(good spelling hey)-- and hey --for us poor men--it is a dogs life we lead hahaha
so dreaming on --
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks. To be as rich as his child believes. To have as many women as his wife suspects...
|
|
|
Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 26, 2011 7:27:11 GMT 1
And just to show I am not in the least bias--(coughs loudly)
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN (prepared and presented by men)
1. Elementary Map Reading 2. Crying and Law Enforcement 3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR 4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours 5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast 6. The Seven-Outfit Week 7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly - "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it") 8. Driving I:Getting Past Automatic Transmissions 9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights 10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed 11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water 12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament 13. Telephone Translation (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I love You") 14. How to Earn Your Own Money 15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly- "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good") 16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side 17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry 18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station 19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels 20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy 21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too 22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out 23. Commitment Schimittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock") 24. To Honor and Obey:Remembering the Small Print Above I Do" 25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House 26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
SEMINARS FOR MEN (prepared and presented by women)
1. Combatting? Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money 6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks") 8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception 9 . Get a Life: Learn to Cook 10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass? When You're Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You: The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons to Give Flowers 15. How to Stay Awake in Public 16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom 17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb 18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try 19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower 20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please 21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet") 22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms 23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull 24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost 25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency 26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex 27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes 28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too 29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home 30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver 31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked") 32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works 33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits"? From Your Vocabulary 34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary 35. Techniques for calling home
|
|