|
Post by Pasha on Apr 26, 2012 20:18:44 GMT 1
n Englishman, a German, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a London pub, trading stories about how dumb their wives are.
“My wife,” says the Englishman, “is so dumb that she spent $300 on frozen pork chops because they were on sale, and we don’t even have a freezer.”
The German says, “Oh yah? My vife chust bought skis, und ve liff no vhere near a mountain.”
The Scotsman says, “Aye, lad, that’s prrrety dumb, but my wife just bought a car and she canna drive.”
The Irishman starts laughing at his own wife’s stupidity and says, “Ah, me wife is a total idiot. Yesterday she was packing her bag for a trip to America. She threw in a box of condoms and she don’t even have a penis.”
|
|
|
Post by Pasha on Apr 26, 2012 20:19:52 GMT 1
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course, the English man’s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. “Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices.” The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a ten spot. Go to Mark’s and Spencer’s and get some knickers.”
Two holes further along the Irish Man’s wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again, her skirt was up over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
“Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance, I cannot afford to buy undergarments.”
With that, the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a five spot. Go to Woolworth’s and get some knickers.”
Three holes further on, the Scottish man’s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.”
|
|
|
Post by Pasha on Apr 27, 2012 4:28:08 GMT 1
After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic > >surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory > >because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a > >ripped out fireplace. > > > >Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six > >children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a > >tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly > >packed kebab. > > > >Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses > >at the end of her bed. > > > >"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, > > > >"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." > > > >"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went > >so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks". > > > >"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane. > > > >"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a > >success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first > >time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited">"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?". > > > >"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. > > > >"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
|
|
|
Post by Pasha on Apr 27, 2012 16:56:39 GMT 1
Some tips for a happy marriage 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake." 8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!" 10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage. 12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust "
|
|
|
Post by Pasha on May 1, 2012 9:30:23 GMT 1
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable..
|
|
kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
|
Post by kergotu on Jun 30, 2012 6:37:18 GMT 1
I read somewhere that a woman holds the world record for sitting most number of driving tests, before passed. 519 attempts Does anyone know what the female record for the least is?
|
|