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Post by Pasha on Mar 14, 2012 6:24:47 GMT 1
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch
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Post by Pasha on Apr 3, 2012 18:08:26 GMT 1
Bubba, an A&M graduate and a furniture dealer in downtown College Station, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he thought he would go to Europe to see what he could find. He arrived in Paris in early morning, but had an afternoon appointment with the furniture maker, so he decided to visit a small bistro during his wait.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in German (which Bubba couldn't understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe near-by that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered lunch.... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
Bubba never had so much fun!
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed, which reminded Bubba of his appointment, so he abruptly left.
To this day Bubba still has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
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Post by Pasha on Apr 13, 2012 17:26:50 GMT 1
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12 She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." Love this one
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6.. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "
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Post by Pasha on Apr 15, 2012 20:32:18 GMT 1
A senior citizen(bald eagle) drove his brand new high powered zimmer out of the Rennes dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 20 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left(actually--not a lot!!ooppss). "Amazing," he thought as he flew down Rennes by-pass, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a flics trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 40 kph, then 50, then 60. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the policeman's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the flic walked up to the BE, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
BE looked him straight in the eye and said "Years ago, my wife ran off with a road flic. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the french policeman with a wry grin!!
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Post by Pasha on Apr 15, 2012 21:01:07 GMT 1
Term and mr Elkay were back at the local Bar Saturday night, when Mr Elkay remarked, "I tink I'm gonna deevorce Mrs Elkay!!, me ! She hasn't talked to me in six months. Not one damn word !"
Term thinks for a minute, then says to Mr Elkay, " what on a minute!!, maybe you oughta tink before you do That!! A wife like that is hard to find, yeh !"
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Apr 24, 2012 4:16:27 GMT 1
Got my own back on the wife last night. I told her, "I was too tired for sex", and then I sat up for three hours talking about sh*t to my friends on facebook. Just doing my bit for equality of the sexes.
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Post by Pasha on Apr 25, 2012 4:16:01 GMT 1
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it".
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said NO.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby sitter."
After they leave, my baby sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby sitters, him and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and he's the son-of-a-***** who ran over my frog!"
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Post by Pasha on Apr 25, 2012 16:49:53 GMT 1
Boudreaux and Marie were walking around at the State Fair last week, when they walked through the livestock area. They were walking through the area where the bulls were penned up, and Marie noticed a sign on one pen that stated that bull had mated 50 times last year.
She looked at Boudreaux and remarked, "Humm, dat's almost once a week, Boudreaux."
The next bull they walked by had a sign saying that bull had mated 70 times last year. Marie looks at Boudreaux and says, "Boudreaux, dat's more den once a week. You could take lessons from dat bull."
As they walk on, the next pen has a sign stating that particular bull had mated 365 times last year. Marie, totally flustered now, turns to Boudreaux and says, "Dammit Boudreaux, dat's every damn day. You could really learn alot from dis one !"
Boudreaux calmly looks at Marie and tells her, "Yeh, but I'll be willing to bet dat wasn't 365 times wid de same cow !"
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Post by Pasha on Apr 25, 2012 16:55:04 GMT 1
Just for Fli A man and van from London and his wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband. "Honey," the wife said, "if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "Never, my dear." The wife said, "I'm sure you would." So the husband said, "Okay, I would" "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" the wife asked. And the husband replied, "I suppose so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?" "I doubt she'd want to," the removal man said. "She is so much thinner." OOOOOOOPPPSSSSS
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Post by Pasha on Apr 25, 2012 16:56:17 GMT 1
One day while jogging, a London removal man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.
"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.
"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."
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