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Post by Pasha on Feb 6, 2012 16:23:50 GMT 1
A guy walks into a bar in West Brittany and orders a white wine.
All the expats sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Ukey from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Yorkshire ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Yorkshire ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No", says the man "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Feb 14, 2012 10:22:07 GMT 1
Why do women have one brain cell more than a cow? So they don't sh*t in the kitchen.
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Post by Pasha on Feb 17, 2012 9:03:13 GMT 1
Here's one that Fli will know !!!! I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said “Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?” One of them chirped “It’s WALES you effing idiot !!!” So I immediately apologized and said “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?”
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Post by Pasha on Feb 17, 2012 9:03:56 GMT 1
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The old gent was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife, excited, began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Post by Pasha on Feb 21, 2012 9:43:25 GMT 1
Now everyone needs a laugh for the day and here's one for you!!!!
At the wedding reception someone yelled... "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Post by Pasha on Feb 26, 2012 20:36:08 GMT 1
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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Post by Pasha on Mar 2, 2012 9:49:58 GMT 1
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.
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Post by Pasha on Mar 3, 2012 13:36:42 GMT 1
A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
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Post by Fli on Mar 3, 2012 13:39:39 GMT 1
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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Post by Pasha on Mar 5, 2012 20:23:57 GMT 1
With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired, "Trips to where"? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete." Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary." Pete said, "I'm going to go get her."
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