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Post by Pasha on Jan 8, 2012 18:32:34 GMT 1
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Jan 9, 2012 20:12:22 GMT 1
Hadrian's Wall. Just shows you the length a man will go to, to be as far away from his wife.
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Post by Pasha on Jan 16, 2012 18:46:21 GMT 1
Male Logic This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males: A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why on Earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" The husband replied, "They had eggs. That's what you said!" Yup!! been there --done that
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Post by Pasha on Jan 16, 2012 18:53:45 GMT 1
Senior Love
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while,my wife Anne is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,You need a piece of tail.
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, Make up your mind.Last night,you told me to go fly a kite!
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Post by Pasha on Jan 16, 2012 18:56:59 GMT 1
one for the vets
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am . Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head or his ears. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
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Post by Pasha on Jan 16, 2012 19:16:12 GMT 1
Fishing VS. Sex
(Twenty Best Reasons)
#20 - No matter how much beer you've had, you can still Fish.
#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with you without getting sued for "fishing harassment".
#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?!
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Post by Pasha on Jan 16, 2012 19:18:22 GMT 1
Back from the Grave
An old couple were married for many years, even though they never got along. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had him in a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?' The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And you know men won't ask for directions.'
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Post by Pasha on Jan 16, 2012 19:23:14 GMT 1
Brunette Joke
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
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Post by Pasha on Jan 16, 2012 19:25:08 GMT 1
Financial Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
Three days later, she became his ........ stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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Post by Pasha on Jan 16, 2012 19:27:58 GMT 1
man phones the doctor, and says
"I think my wife is dead."
The doctor says "Are you sure?"
The man says
"Well, the sex is the same---- but the ironing is piling up..."
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