just anuvva joke

[danceswithruskies]

I Want a Raise!

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Our French(mexican) Maid asked For a Pay Increase

My wife was very upset about this
and decided to talk to her about the raise.

I found out later the
conversation went like this:

She asked:"Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase??"

Maria:"Well, Señora, there are
three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better
than you."

Wife:"Who said you iron better
than me?"

Maria:"Your husband said so."

Wife:"Oh."

Maria:"The second reason is that
I am a better cook than you."

Wife:"Nonsense, who said you
were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."


Wife:"Oh."

Maria:"My third reason is
that I am a better lover than you."

Wifereally furious now):
"Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria:
"No Señora...the gardener did."


Wife:
"So how much do you want?"

[danceswithruskies]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[danceswithruskies]

Dating

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

But, before you even think of dating my daughter, you'll have to fill out the Application for Permission to Date My Daughter so here it is....



APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
__________________________________________________ ____________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________










ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)




ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________






SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

[danceswithruskies]

Here are russian type jokes for ya

a)
Work

An American tourist in Russia asks his tour guide to drive him through the streets so he can see how Russians really live. The tour guide is (understandably) nervous, but he has been told to do everything the tourist desires. So they set off.
Soon they see something that the American finds strange - two men are walking in a line. One is digging a hole, and the other is filling it up.

The tourist asks the guide to stop to the car (now the guide is really nervous). He goes up to the two guys and, with the guide's help (he also works as a translator), he asks what they are doing.

"Well, it's like this," the first man tell him. "On my work team, there are three people - Vasya, Misha, and me. We plant trees - I dig the hole, Vasya drops the seed in, and Misha fills the hole up again. Just because Vasya has the flu doesn't mean Misha and I can stay home from the work, too."

b)
New Car

A New Russian comes in to buy a car. He tells the salesman he wants a gray Mercedes. The salesman finds for him exactly the car he wants, and the man pas for it right out of his pocket. As he is about to leave, the salesman asks him, "Didn't you buy a car just like this from us last week?"
"Oh, yes, I did," replies the New Russian, "but the ashtray got full."

c)
A Theological Argument

Three men are discussing Adam and Eve.
"Adam and Eve were French," says the Frenchmen. "Look at them, so beautiful."

"No, they must have been Americans," says the American. "They had plenty of everything and never went hungry."

"I know for a fact that they were Russians," says the Russian. "They were naked, cold, and hungry, and they were being told that this was Paradise."

d)
Tee Too

A clerk at a hotel receives a call from one of the guests. The guest says, "Too tee too too too too."
The clerk, somewhat baffled, asks, "Excuse me, sir?"

"Too tee too too too too." At this point, the clerk sees his boss. He says, "Boss, come and help me. This guy just called, and I can't figure out what he wants. He keeps saying, 'To tee too too too too.'"

The boss laughs and says, "Oh, that must be our Russian guest. He would like two cups of tea to be delivered to room 222."

[danceswithruskies]

LOVE DRESS

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A woman stopped by her son’s house unannounced to visit. She knocked once as usual and walked on in. To her utter amazement her Daughter-in-Law was reclining on the sofa in the nude. There was soft music playing and the subtle scent of perfume filled the air.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? the mother asked in shock.

I’m waiting for jimmy to come home from work, she replied, not moving.

BUT YOU’RE NAKED! Exclaimed mom.

This is my love dress replied the DIL.

Love Dress? You’re naked!

Jimmy loves it when I wear this. She explained. Every time he sees me in this dress he becomes romantic and ravishes me for hours.

Mom left and went home, she quickly took a shower, put on some soft music and sweet perfume and lay down on the sofa to wait for her husband to come home.

He finally arrived and saw her on the sofa and asked, What are you doing?

This is my Love Dress honey, I wore especially for you.

Needs ironing, what’s for supper?

[Ali]

Yaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahhahahahahaaaaa that is so true !!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[danceswithruskies]

Two Dwarfs Stav and TJ

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The two dwarfs Stav and TJ go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf Stav, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! One, two, three...ugh! Here I come again! One, two, three…Ugh! Here I come again! One, two, three...Ugh!' all night long.

In the morning, TJ asks Stav, 'How did it go?'

The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'

TJ shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'

[tobyjug]

Did you like my autobiography ?

[Ali]

Apr 26, 2010 5:41:06 GMT 1 @danceswithruskies said:

Two Dwarfs Stav and TJ

KMSL - that is adorable ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[danceswithruskies]

It's late at night and Flicatcher(much worse for wear) is just coming out of the local boozing house and wobbles down the street.
A french policeman stops him and asks:
- Where you going?
- I'm going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and alcoholism.
- At night? And who will give a lecture? asks the haughty policeman.
- My wife and mother-in-law will!!