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Post by danceswithruskies on May 17, 2010 7:51:47 GMT 1
DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
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The wife came home early and found herhusband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
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Sandy
Love it here
Posts: 371
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Post by Sandy on May 18, 2010 7:54:32 GMT 1
A Honeymoon tale ......
[Please excuse me for using 4 letter language in the following story ... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same without them....]
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother,” so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., "PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has made you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
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Post by danceswithruskies on Jun 1, 2010 7:29:56 GMT 1
A glass of wine To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't and are always Seen with a bottle of water in their hand. As Alison said to Stavros In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor). Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health . Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, Than to drink water and be full of s**t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!
Is it wine oclock yet??
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Post by danceswithruskies on Jun 8, 2010 12:40:20 GMT 1
Global facts about Sex At Any Given Moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine __________________
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Post by blu on Jun 8, 2010 22:07:10 GMT 1
I love the first joke ...will pop back and read more soon!
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Post by danceswithruskies on Jun 12, 2010 8:21:17 GMT 1
A Gripping Tale
BartyB went to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to give barty a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles," he said.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and again barty objected. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asked barty if he had any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," he said. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returned and said, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
Barty said "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."
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Post by danceswithruskies on Jun 20, 2010 4:22:08 GMT 1
Japan's Bank Crisis Following problems in the sub-prime lending market in the US, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank have got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank, where staff fear they may get a raw deal.
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Post by danceswithruskies on Jun 22, 2010 7:09:47 GMT 1
Marriage in California
This could only happen in America!!
San Francisco Court House: 'Next'
'Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.'
'Names?'
'Tim and Jim Jones.'
'Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance.'
'Yes, we're brothers.'
'Brothers? You can't get married.'
'Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?'
'Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!'
'Incest?' No, we are not gay.'
'Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?'
'For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects.'
'But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman.'
'Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim.'
'And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?'
'All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next.'
'Hi. We are here to get married.'
'Names?'
'John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson.'
'Who wants to marry whom?'
'We all want to marry each other.'
'But there are four of you!'
'That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship.'
'But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples.'
'So you're discriminating against bisexuals!'
'No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples.'
'Since when are you standing on tradition?'
'Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere.'
'Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!'
'All right, all right. Next.'
'Hello, I'd like a marriage license.'
'In what names?'
'David Deets.'
'And the other man?'
'That's all. I want to marry myself.'
'Marry yourself? What do you mean?'
'Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return.'
'That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!'
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Post by danceswithruskies on Jun 30, 2010 15:07:25 GMT 1
Siamese Twins
Siamese twins walk into a pub in France and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two cheepo beers, draft please"
The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, boys?"
"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and rent a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England , "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says Joe.
"Hamburgers & cheepos beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.
Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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Post by danceswithruskies on Jul 1, 2010 3:22:43 GMT 1
Lipstick in School Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine The yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... And then there are educators!!!
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