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Post by danceswithruskies on Apr 26, 2010 16:02:26 GMT 1
Subject: not tonight
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Subject: not tonight
One evening last week, the wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, but she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I took the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We then went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you --- she was so excited!! She must have thought that my elevator was no longer stopping on all the floors. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I really threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either.
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Post by danceswithruskies on Apr 29, 2010 19:19:38 GMT 1
Lie Detector
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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Post by danceswithruskies on May 4, 2010 19:29:25 GMT 1
THE way to inner peace
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By following simple advice given by Dr Stavros, you too can find inner peace. Dr Stavros proclaimed: 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished a bottle of Cabernet, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a bottle of vodka, a package of moldy biscuits, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some left over kitikat, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
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Post by danceswithruskies on May 4, 2010 19:42:16 GMT 1
Tobius J The Furniture Dealer
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Tobius, the furniture dealer just over from uk, decided to expand the
line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what
he could find..
After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected
a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat
in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which Tobius couldn't understand), so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to
speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a
couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin
and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so
he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left
the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing
romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin
and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to
dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of
a four-poster bed. To this day, Tobius has no idea how she figured out he
was in the furniture business
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Post by Ali on May 4, 2010 20:29:21 GMT 1
Love these ruskie, specially with the additional characters
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Post by danceswithruskies on May 5, 2010 13:41:51 GMT 1
Catholic Coffee
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop; When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
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Post by danceswithruskies on May 9, 2010 20:07:12 GMT 1
Found these and thought of TJ and Stav
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' I S WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes?
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Post by danceswithruskies on May 10, 2010 4:07:42 GMT 1
The Thought for Today, Women
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Thought for Today: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shiat.'
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Post by danceswithruskies on May 10, 2010 17:29:20 GMT 1
Will they Live to see 80?
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Tj and Stav went to the quack for some exhaustive lab tests, he said they where doing 'fairly well' for their ages.
A little concerned about that comment TJ looked at Stav and then at the quack and then asked 'Do you think we'll live to be 80?'
The doc asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' they replied. 'And we are not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
Stav said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, we don't,' They both said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
They both looked at each other in surprise and said in unionism 'No we don't'.
He looked at them and said, 'Then, why do you even care ?'
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Post by danceswithruskies on May 10, 2010 19:48:55 GMT 1
Facts of Life
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Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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