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Post by Pasha on Dec 9, 2011 10:50:50 GMT 1
here ya go folks -- somewhere to pop ya Christmas jokes and stuff!!
1) Angels Bert, aged 25. 'My wife's an angel'. Don, aged 57. 'Your lucky, mine is still alive'.
2) Christmas Kiss Romeo: What would it take to make you kiss me under the mistletoe? Juliette: An anaesthetic.
3) Christmas Drink A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ...... So the barman gives her one.
4) Christmas Pudding Charms Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune. Packaging Notice: Potential choking hazard: do not use with food.
5) How Was Your Christmas Meal? We had grandma for Christmas dinner. Really?
We had turkey.
6) Reindeer Joke What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you.
7) Sales Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. Handmade gifts for that hard-to-find person.
8) Christmas Joke Pizza Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'
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Post by Pasha on Dec 9, 2011 10:52:51 GMT 1
Christmas Riddles maybe?? How many ears has Captain Kirk got? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Ben Miller What do lions sing at Christmas? Jungle bells! When is a boat like a pile of snow? When it's adrift. How do snowmen get around? On their icicles. What does Santa call reindeer that don't work? Dinner. What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney? Santaclaustrophobia
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Post by Pasha on Dec 9, 2011 11:07:07 GMT 1
Reindeer's Story at Christmas
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Dec 9, 2011 19:50:55 GMT 1
Latest Christmas toy: Talking Muslim Doll. Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet, because nobody has the balls to pull the cord!
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Dec 9, 2011 19:58:49 GMT 1
The wife was really upset after she found our Christmas work party is going to be held in a strip club. Yes, I didn't help myself when I reassured her by saying, "Babe, if I was capable of pulling a stripper, I wouldn't be with you."
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Dec 9, 2011 20:17:50 GMT 1
On Christmas morning a copper on horseback is sitting at a traffic lights, next to him is Paddy on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the Little Paddy, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that?" Little Paddy replies, "He did, he did." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a 30.00 euro's bicycle safety violation ticket. Little Paddy takes the ticket and before he rides off says to the cop, "That's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring Little Paddy, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." Paddy replies. "Well, next year Mr cop, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Dec 9, 2011 20:42:18 GMT 1
I'm always get terrible gifts for my wife, but luckily this year I've found her Christmas list. Eggs. Milk. Bread. Toilet roll. This should win me some points.
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Post by Fli on Dec 11, 2011 10:35:03 GMT 1
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas? Because they were originally made for children , but the father wants to play with 'em!
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Post by ElfyX on Dec 11, 2011 15:26:19 GMT 1
DA' MAFIA'S 12 DAYS OF XMAS
Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla. Christmas Santa When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da heck you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"
bleedy heck he will kill me when he see's this...am i bovverd!..hehehe elfyx
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Post by ElfyX on Dec 11, 2011 15:39:12 GMT 1
THE POLITICALY CORRECT XMAS
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovin's,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-english producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO country file calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas.. Happy Chanukah... Good Kwanzaa... Blessed Yule... Happy xmas! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
elfyx
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