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Post by Ali on Dec 11, 2011 17:07:56 GMT 1
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Post by Pasha on Dec 12, 2011 5:22:08 GMT 1
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Post by Ali on Dec 12, 2011 12:05:03 GMT 1
Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Dec 16, 2011 19:09:34 GMT 1
The wife said she would like something long and see through for Christmas.
I hope she likes the roll of cling-film I've got her.
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Dec 16, 2011 19:12:33 GMT 1
In Liverpool, there are now only nine more shoplifting days until Christmas.
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Post by Fli on Dec 20, 2011 11:37:55 GMT 1
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."
Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my c*** this way!!!."
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Post by Pasha on Dec 21, 2011 8:28:36 GMT 1
The Story of the Christmas Angel.....
I was a Christmas many years ago during a blustery, stormy night when Santa found himself rudely shaken awake by Mrs. Claus....
"Get up you drunken bum! It's Christmas eve and you're gonna be late!!"
Santa leaped from the bed and pulled up his Santa suit pants, which promptly split up the seam. He hastily donned his jacket and boots, then jammed his Santa hat on crookedly and rushed to the toy shop. There he discovered all the elves laying around in a drunken stupor from the party the night before. Grumbling under his breath he hurredly gathered as many finished toys as he could find, smashing them into his giant Santa sack.
Dragging the heavy sack, he entered the manger where he found Rudolph missing and two of the other reindeer sick with hoof and mouth. He hitched up the remainder and then discovered a broken runner on the sleigh. Quickly grabbing his toolbox, he made repairs then swung the huge sack of toys up towards the sleigh. The sack ripped open, spilling toys all over the reindeer poop covered floor.
In exasperation, he threw the sack down and began to scream words that would make a longshoreman blush. Just at that moment, a tiny speck of light appeared in the cold frosty air of the manger. It grew brighter and a small, delicate angel appeared.
"Greetings Santa" she said, "As in years past, I have brought thee thy Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?"
And that's why, boys and girls, to this very day many Christmas trees have a tiny angel sitting on the very top of the tree............. __________________
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Dec 23, 2011 16:21:34 GMT 1
The wife said in 2012 she wants to get involved in some outdoor activities. So for Christmas I've got her a car cleaning kit.
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Dec 23, 2011 16:27:01 GMT 1
This Christmas the Mother-in-law said as she walked into the room, "Lets play charades". "Enter the Dragon" I shouted. "We haven't started yet" she replied. " It was an observation not a guess".
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2011 19:25:39 GMT 1
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