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Post by Pasha on Jan 8, 2012 18:42:21 GMT 1
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poo?"
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Jan 27, 2012 10:02:05 GMT 1
Just been on my 1st naturist holiday and on the last night there was a caberet act of a nude female ventriloquist..... She was sh*t though, I could definately see her lips moving!
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Post by Pasha on Jan 29, 2012 15:54:54 GMT 1
There was a young lady who was totally exhausted from a week's worth of work. Finally, it was time for her to end her work day and go home. As she entered the elevator, she sighed a triumphant, "T-G-I-F...," and began to relish the thought of going home and relaxing the weekend away. It so happened that there was a man on the elevator with her and heard her jubilant exclamation. His reply to her was, "S-H-I-T." Now the woman was not sure if she heard the man correctly and she was determined not to let this man ruin her beautiful weekend she had ahead of her, so again she stated more strongly, "T-G-I-F!" and glared at the man, daring him to repeat his obscenity. The man made eye contact and stated matter-of-factly, "S-H-I-T." This infuriated the young woman, so with hands on her hips she stated, "How dare you use profane language like that in front of a lady! I was saying, T-G-I-F... 'Thank Goodness it's Friday.' What is wrong with you!?" The man was amused at her outrage and with a smirk on his face replied,"S-H-I-T. 'Sorry, Honey... it's THURSDAY!"
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Post by Pasha on Feb 1, 2012 14:09:08 GMT 1
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Feb 18, 2012 8:29:18 GMT 1
My friends said there was no way I would ever become a puppeteer. Ha!, 1 year later, puppeter I am. Mind you, I had to pull a few strings...
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Post by Pasha on Feb 21, 2012 9:46:24 GMT 1
A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
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Post by Pasha on Mar 14, 2012 6:18:10 GMT 1
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with arse."The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat arse it won't be Cheerios!"
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Post by Pasha on Mar 14, 2012 6:23:59 GMT 1
red neck humour
GENERAL TIPS 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) 1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’ 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time. 4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’ WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records
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Post by Pasha on Apr 3, 2012 18:12:19 GMT 1
Officer Paul pulled over Travis for speeding. When Officer Paul asked Travis for his license and registration, he replied, "I don't have my license and I don't have a registration card because I stole this car." When Officer Paul asked if he had any weapons Travis said, "Yes, I have a loaded pistol in the glove compartment and a loaded rifle in the backseat." Finally Officer Paul asked if he could check the trunk. Travis replied, "Sure but just to warn you I have a body in the back."
Officer Paul told him to stay put. Paul went to his car to call the Chief and ask for back up. When the Chief arrived he told Officer Paul to stay in his car. The Chief went to Travis. When the Chief asked for his license and registration he pulled out his license and gave the Chief the registration card, both checked out and there was nothing suspicious. When the Chief asked Travis if he had any weapons he said “No,” and when the Chief checked the glove compartment and the back seat there was nothing. Finally the Chief asked if he could look in the trunk and Travis agreed. Once again, nothing.
The Chief was puzzled and Travis asked him why he looked so confused. The Chief said, "Officer Paul said that you stole this car, that there were two loaded guns in the car and that there was a body in the truck."
Travis replied, "Did that liar tell you that I was speeding, too?"
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Post by Pasha on Apr 13, 2012 17:42:37 GMT 1
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things in Hell?
Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.
And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
What! God exclaims: You’ve got an engineer?
That’s a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.
Not a chance, Satan replies: I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!
God insists: Send him back or I’ll sue!
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?
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