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Post by Pasha on Apr 5, 2011 8:11:31 GMT 1
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said, "The only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died" "Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
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Post by Pasha on Apr 21, 2011 4:39:41 GMT 1
Time for a Haircut
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of Customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked again.... The barber checked the shop and said "About three hours......" The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a Haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a Half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.
A little while Later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,
"Your House."
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Apr 22, 2011 6:03:14 GMT 1
Husband: "Why did you hit me with the chair?" Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."!
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Post by Pasha on Apr 22, 2011 18:55:12 GMT 1
Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.
We bumped into some old friends yesterday, my wife was driving.
Nothing confuses a man more than a woman driver who does everything right.
My wife wanted a foreign convertible, so I bought her a rickshaw.
A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence. 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.' 'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.' 'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?" Wife: "In the swimming pool."
Policeman: 'When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, "Forty-five at least".' Woman motorist: 'Well, I always look older in this hat.'
A young lady was driving through a built-up area at about 70 mph when she noticed a motorcycle policeman on her tail. She increased her speed to 80 mph but the cop hung grimly on her tail. She put her foot down and pushed the car up to 90, drawing rapidly away from her pursuer. Suddenly she saw a garage up ahead and with a squeal of brakes she pulled up in the forecourt and dashed into the ladies' toilet. Five minutes later she emerged to find the motor-cycle policeman waiting for her. With a sweet smile she said, 'I bet you thought I'd never make it in time.'
My wife had a nasty accident with the car this morning. She backed it out of the garage, completely forgetting that the night before, she had backed it in.
Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?' Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'
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Post by Pasha on Apr 22, 2011 18:59:44 GMT 1
Ya gotta love kids and what they say lol The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
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Post by Pasha on Apr 22, 2011 20:39:30 GMT 1
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this man would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive man, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The man says, "You can choose any prize you like from the bottom shelf".
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kergotu
I'm settling in nicely
Poultry Breeder
Posts: 286
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Post by kergotu on Apr 22, 2011 21:50:35 GMT 1
;DI know her!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
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Post by Pasha on May 16, 2011 18:48:45 GMT 1
Why I'm Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, and by the way Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
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Post by Pasha on May 16, 2011 18:50:11 GMT 1
Here's one for you wine oclock girls lol A Woman in Love A woman is sitting at home sipping wine on the porch with her husband and she says, "I love you." He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine."
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Post by Pasha on May 16, 2011 19:35:52 GMT 1
RUSSIAN ROULETTE.
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger........
CLICK!..........empty chamber
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and say's "your turn comrade". Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual......
CLICK!...........empty chamber
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the very end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year revising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disapears through a door only to reapear a few minutes later smiling, says "your turn". The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
The Russian is absolutly dumbfounded, "what kind of test of courage is this?!"
The African calmly answers ..........
" one of them is a cannibal".
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