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Post by Pasha on Sept 21, 2011 17:01:33 GMT 1
Three Birds on a Wire
A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem.
After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following
story:
"Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man
with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on
the wire?"
The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no. Let's try again, maybe you didn't hear me correctly,"
the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers.
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots
one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the
wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the man shot one bird, the noise
from the gun scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "that's not technically correct, but I like the
way you think."
"Thanks," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question."
"Okay," she said guardedly.
"There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One
woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle,
and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked
innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony,
turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "which one is it, the one
licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?
Which one is married?"
"Well, uh," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"
"Naw," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring.
But I like the way you think."
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Post by Pasha on Sept 21, 2011 17:18:15 GMT 1
A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they
saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road.
The horse walked over to eat the corn. Before he got to the corn
he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get
out of the mud.
So he tells the chicken, "Hey, go over to that farm house and get
some help to get me out of this mud."
When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can't find anybody to
help him get the horse out of the mud. However, he notices that
there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in
the ignition. The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road,
ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to
the horse. In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud.
The two proceed down the road again. And again they see some more
corn on the side of the road. This time the chicken crosses over
the ditch to get the corn. And as luck would have it, the chicken
gets stuck in the mud.
The chicken tells the horse, "Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull
me out of this mud."
The horse surveys the problem and says, "I think I can straddle
this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my
dick and I'll pull you out of the mud." The horse does as he says
and the chicken is pulled out of the mud.
So what is the moral of this story?
When your hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
chicks!
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Post by Pasha on Sept 21, 2011 17:26:32 GMT 1
Four Letter Words
A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom,
who lived three hours away.
"Well, darling," said her Mom, "How was your honeymoon?"
"It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time," said
the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really
horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really
horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me...PLEASE."
Then the bride began to sob over the phone. "PLEASE, mom come get
me!" begged the bride.
"But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell
me what's troubling you," said her mom.
Still sobbing the bride said to her mother..."Words like....DUST,
IRON, COOK, WASH!"
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Post by Pasha on Sept 22, 2011 6:43:40 GMT 1
Best Known Man In The World
There was a man named Sulio and Sulio knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Sulio got a new job, Sulio says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Sulio says "Yes I do!" so Sulio's boss says "Well prove it!" then Sulio says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!
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Post by Pasha on Sept 26, 2011 3:52:40 GMT 1
Salesman of the Year
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"
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Post by Pasha on Nov 22, 2011 17:43:20 GMT 1
A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the special of the day.
He eats the food, gets up and shoots the waitress dead. The Hostess
runs over to the Panda and says, "What did you do that for?"
The Panda then says,"Look up 'Panda" in the dictionary,
and you will see..."
And with that, the Panda walked out of the restaurant.
The hostess then rushes to a dictionary, looks up 'Panda' and
reads..."Panda, n., mammal, eats shoots and leaves."
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Post by Pasha on Feb 4, 2012 7:16:48 GMT 1
Well u lot have finally got a little bit of cold N snow N ice now so thought a fishing joke might help!!  Ice Fishing There were two good ol' boys from warmer climes who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it. The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their bait and tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." He sold him the picks, and the good ol' boy left. In about an hour, he was back at the shop agaain and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The shop owner couldn't believe it. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet." |
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Post by Pasha on Feb 6, 2012 16:13:22 GMT 1
Round Of Golf
Three men went out to play a round of golf, Moses, Jesus and an old man. Moses tee'd off first, and the ball landed in the water. He parted the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.
Jesus tee'd off next, and the ball landed in the water. He then walked on the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.
Lastly the old man tee'd off, but before the ball could hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball in it's mouth. Then an eagle swooped down and caught the fish. Lightening then struck near the eagle, frightening it, and it dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, it dropped the ball in for a perfect hole in one.
Jesus and Moses turn to the old man, and Jesus said, "Dad, if you don't quit playing like that, we're not going to bring you anymore."
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Post by Pasha on Feb 15, 2012 14:18:40 GMT 1
Old Butch
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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Post by Pasha on Mar 4, 2012 20:08:25 GMT 1
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those pints.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "You can’t do that here, Sir."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby.. "Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Anywhere you want Sir."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was very helpful of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
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