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Post by Pasha on Mar 14, 2012 6:27:59 GMT 1
Well Little Johnny was getting about the age that most boys started noticing girls.
Claudia his grammar teacher was trying to teach the class some manners.
She asked the boys what they would do if they had a nice young lady on a date having a romantic dinner, and they had to go to the washroom.
Little Johnny shot his hand up, but the teacher winced as he always came up with something on the crude side. She looked around for a second and Tommy had his hand up, so she told Tommy to tell the class how he would tell his date.
Tommy said I reckon I have to go pee.
Miss Claudia horrified, said that is just terrible, and asked who is next. Johnnys hand went up again, but she was saved by larry raising his hand.
Larry said I will just tell her I have to go to the bathroom.
Well that is better, but anybody have a better way.
This time little Johnny was the only one that raised his hand.
Miss Claudia knew she would regret it, but called on him anyway.
Little Johnny said, I will call my date Cindy, and would say something like this.
Will you excuse me for a moment Cindy ( claudia couldn't believe her ears) Then Johnny continued with I want to go shake hands with a very dear friend, whom I hope to introduce you to later this evening.
Claudia feinted.
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Post by Pasha on Mar 14, 2012 6:28:43 GMT 1
A priest's retirement dinner
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!
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Post by Pasha on Apr 25, 2012 16:58:21 GMT 1
A little kid asks his father - London Removal specialist, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
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Post by Pasha on Apr 27, 2012 17:12:28 GMT 1
An Austrailian, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:"Please tie a pillow to my back."This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.The Frenchman was next up.After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). The Austrailian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the replied. "Austrailian. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable,handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked. The Austrailian replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
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