Post by Pasha on May 28, 2012 21:04:35 GMT 1
The best way to garden is to put on a wide brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden. Start right! Never let the dog see you digging . . . Doggy see, doggy do
Grass is just a flower bed in waiting
Why do melons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop.
Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.
The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop,
but they refuse.
A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family.
Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.
Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close.
Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop.
When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close.
This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ~ Paul
Grass is just a flower bed in waiting
New gardeners learn by by trowel and error.
AD for ant traps. "Will kill ants for 3 months."
. . . do they come back to life then?
I left packet a of seeds in my pocket and my coat turned into a Chia jacket
Compost is best aged a little like a fine wine. I mean, would you prefer to drink a nice 97, or something that was made last Thursday.
Grow your own dope........Plant a man ~Faye
If I could only grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator
Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."
The cat was hoist on his own petard
while swinging from trees in the yard
he did many tricks
even pausing for licks
but got hung out on his own leotard
Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. ~ Joan
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing, and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs . . .
(to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack")
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
A toddler who was found chewing on a slug.
After the initial surge of disgust the parent said,
"Well . . . What does it taste like?"
"Worms," was the reply.
Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost heap.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is IN the compost. Until then, all
bets are off. ~ Ellen, MG.
Another unwritten rule of gardening -- any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Compostaphile and Compostaphobe -- To rot or not to rot . . .
Headline: Dog attacks topiary cat.
Sometimes what a man says, says more about the man.
Here is a quote from President George Bush in 1990:
"I do not like broccoli. And haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.". . . Umm!
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time.
Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices of soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face -- Teresa Watkins
A good compost pile should get hot enough to poach an egg,
but not so hot it would cook a lobster.
Gardening requires a lot of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.
A Veggie New Age Song:
Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars.
It was the dawning of the Age of Asparagus, age of asparagus
The difference between weeds and flowers is the weeds are the easiest ones to pull out.
What's green and walks through walls? Casper the friendly cucumber.
Man at the market: "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables. Have these been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"No," replied the gardener,"you'll have to do that yourself."
Really Bad Puns
1. My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.
2. Don't expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.
3. I will cut the grass only when I get Mowtivated.
4. The research assistant couldn't experiment with plants because he hadn't botany.
5. Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.
6. Gardeners like to plant their feet firmly.
7. If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.
More Jokes
These jokes I scooped from around the internet and placed them here for convenience.
If you happen to be the originator of any of the following, I will gladly give credit.
Home, Garden, and Gardening Jokes
Gardening FAQs
Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A Snap Dragon.
Q: What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A: A pink carnation.
Q: What kind of flowers grow in outer space?
A: Ipomoea alba, Helianthus annuus, Pentas lanceolata, and Cosmos
(Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, Cosmos)
Q: What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.
Q: Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A: You might press your luck.
Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A: A fun-gi.
Q: What insect is musical?
A: A humbug.
Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world?
A: Global Worming.
Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.
Gardener's Dictionary
Coolant: An insect that's, like, you know, got it all together, dude.
Disbelief: How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Potash: All that's left after you smoke the joint.
Relief: What a tree does in the spring
Garden Trivia?
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Gardening Jokes
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright-red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's.
I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn.
Top Ten Signs
You Hired the Wrong Kid to Mow Your Lawn
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats 8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
1. No toes.
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Q: What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower?
A: Shredded tweet.
Home, Garden, and Gardening Jokes
Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden," said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"
The first man continued, "The gardener said: 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'"
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
One spring morning, my husband and I were in the garden looking at the flowers he had just planted. As luck would have it, a bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.
When I showed my husband, he didn't miss a beat and said, "You know, Dear, they sing for most folks."
I used to impale the heads of door-to-door sales people on pikes in the garden as a warning to others ... until I learned that it's bad Feng Shui.
This guy was watching television as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He went out to ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex, doing their exercises. She shot back at him, "Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."
So, he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak, baked potato, and a large glass of iced tea. She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?" To which he replied, "I thought you were dead..."
Heart Beet
Do you carrot at all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face.
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
Q: Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
A: The Salad Bar.
Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start, you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.
Q: What is the difference between boogers and spinach?
A: You can't get your kids to eat spinach.
Did you hear about the little sweet potato that fell madly in love with Peter Jennings?
Her folks wouldn't let her marry him 'cause he was just a common tater.
"I think," said the sweet potato, "therefore, I yam"
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: 99 times out of 100 you get an onion with long ears. But, 1 time out of 100, you'll get a piece of ass that makes your eyes water!
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: What do you call a honeymoon salad?
A: Lettuce alone.
Q: What vegetable might you find in your basement?
A: Cellar-y.
Q: What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A: A Brussels' scout.
Q: What vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A: A Leek.
Q: Why do potatoes make good detectives?
A: Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Q. What vegetable can you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, and throw away the inside?
A. Corn.
Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden. Start right! Never let the dog see you digging . . . Doggy see, doggy do
Grass is just a flower bed in waiting
Why do melons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop.
Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming.
The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop,
but they refuse.
A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family.
Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.
Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close.
Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop.
When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close.
This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ~ Paul
Grass is just a flower bed in waiting
New gardeners learn by by trowel and error.
AD for ant traps. "Will kill ants for 3 months."
. . . do they come back to life then?
I left packet a of seeds in my pocket and my coat turned into a Chia jacket
Compost is best aged a little like a fine wine. I mean, would you prefer to drink a nice 97, or something that was made last Thursday.
Grow your own dope........Plant a man ~Faye
If I could only grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator
Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."
The cat was hoist on his own petard
while swinging from trees in the yard
he did many tricks
even pausing for licks
but got hung out on his own leotard
Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. ~ Joan
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing, and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs . . .
(to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack")
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
A toddler who was found chewing on a slug.
After the initial surge of disgust the parent said,
"Well . . . What does it taste like?"
"Worms," was the reply.
Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost heap.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is IN the compost. Until then, all
bets are off. ~ Ellen, MG.
Another unwritten rule of gardening -- any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Compostaphile and Compostaphobe -- To rot or not to rot . . .
Headline: Dog attacks topiary cat.
Sometimes what a man says, says more about the man.
Here is a quote from President George Bush in 1990:
"I do not like broccoli. And haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.". . . Umm!
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time.
Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices of soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face -- Teresa Watkins
A good compost pile should get hot enough to poach an egg,
but not so hot it would cook a lobster.
Gardening requires a lot of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.
A Veggie New Age Song:
Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars.
It was the dawning of the Age of Asparagus, age of asparagus
The difference between weeds and flowers is the weeds are the easiest ones to pull out.
What's green and walks through walls? Casper the friendly cucumber.
Man at the market: "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables. Have these been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"No," replied the gardener,"you'll have to do that yourself."
Really Bad Puns
1. My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.
2. Don't expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.
3. I will cut the grass only when I get Mowtivated.
4. The research assistant couldn't experiment with plants because he hadn't botany.
5. Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.
6. Gardeners like to plant their feet firmly.
7. If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.
More Jokes
These jokes I scooped from around the internet and placed them here for convenience.
If you happen to be the originator of any of the following, I will gladly give credit.
Home, Garden, and Gardening Jokes
Gardening FAQs
Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A Snap Dragon.
Q: What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A: A pink carnation.
Q: What kind of flowers grow in outer space?
A: Ipomoea alba, Helianthus annuus, Pentas lanceolata, and Cosmos
(Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, Cosmos)
Q: What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.
Q: Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A: You might press your luck.
Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A: A fun-gi.
Q: What insect is musical?
A: A humbug.
Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world?
A: Global Worming.
Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.
Gardener's Dictionary
Coolant: An insect that's, like, you know, got it all together, dude.
Disbelief: How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Potash: All that's left after you smoke the joint.
Relief: What a tree does in the spring
Garden Trivia?
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Gardening Jokes
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright-red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's.
I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn.
Top Ten Signs
You Hired the Wrong Kid to Mow Your Lawn
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats 8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
1. No toes.
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Q: What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower?
A: Shredded tweet.
Home, Garden, and Gardening Jokes
Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden," said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"
The first man continued, "The gardener said: 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'"
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
One spring morning, my husband and I were in the garden looking at the flowers he had just planted. As luck would have it, a bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.
When I showed my husband, he didn't miss a beat and said, "You know, Dear, they sing for most folks."
I used to impale the heads of door-to-door sales people on pikes in the garden as a warning to others ... until I learned that it's bad Feng Shui.
This guy was watching television as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He went out to ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex, doing their exercises. She shot back at him, "Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."
So, he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak, baked potato, and a large glass of iced tea. She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?" To which he replied, "I thought you were dead..."
Heart Beet
Do you carrot at all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face.
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
Q: Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
A: The Salad Bar.
Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start, you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin pi.
Q: What is the difference between boogers and spinach?
A: You can't get your kids to eat spinach.
Did you hear about the little sweet potato that fell madly in love with Peter Jennings?
Her folks wouldn't let her marry him 'cause he was just a common tater.
"I think," said the sweet potato, "therefore, I yam"
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A: 99 times out of 100 you get an onion with long ears. But, 1 time out of 100, you'll get a piece of ass that makes your eyes water!
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
Q: What do you call a honeymoon salad?
A: Lettuce alone.
Q: What vegetable might you find in your basement?
A: Cellar-y.
Q: What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A: A Brussels' scout.
Q: What vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A: A Leek.
Q: Why do potatoes make good detectives?
A: Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Q. What vegetable can you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, and throw away the inside?
A. Corn.
Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli.
