Crappy Jokes Anyone?

[Pasha]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... Boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family,
So it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up,and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking
Fine.'
So that was nice."

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,
He said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
Couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least
one
Of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash
key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel .

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
__________________

[Pasha]

ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[Pasha]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Pasha]

Fish and Cat Story

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

[Pasha]

Sex Therapist

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.