Toilet Humour or a place to Dump Stuff

[danceswithruskies]

THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEANS

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying
on like that" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and
shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he
would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving he had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All
the way home he "putt - putted". He "putted" up one hill and down the
other. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight".

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of
the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to
remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise
not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight
to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but "ripe" as a rotten
egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and
fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when
another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrrlllllllppppp!"

It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep
from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell
would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal, when he
felt another urge coming on. He shifted his weight to the other leg
and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled,
the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the
table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in
the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning
them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his
loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture
of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long,
she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.

After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold and
yelled "Surprise!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the dinner table for his surprise birthday party!!!

[danceswithruskies]

We are all different so I thought you might know who you are by ---------

TYPES OF POO

Ghost Poo:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
toilet. Where is it?

Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the
toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the
toilet.

Second Thoughts Poo:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...
there's more to come.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.

Right Now Poo:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your
pants down.

King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.
This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

Cork Poo:
Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,
floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo:
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
three feet long.

Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't
smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house
(normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside
to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo:
Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum
stops burning.

Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
stitches or go for the fuller figure.

[danceswithruskies]

The Trials of Being a Man


This was copied from a newsgroup posting. The author is responding to
a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.

Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee and then
just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the
toilet, and his penis will still manage to annoy all over the roll of
toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling
'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down
and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and
either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet
because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my
sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a
classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real
problem, and you ladies need to be understanding.

It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with
two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you
could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you
can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim,
well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to annoy all over
the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have
to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try
to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're
newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this)
you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to
stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy
starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes
flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not
lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy; it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I
told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told
you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent
under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all
over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down
under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the
bowl. You annoy all over the back of your knees and it runs down the
back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you
keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over
the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect
balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get
all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

[Deleted]

Disgustingly hilarious! or should it be hilariously disgusting?

[danceswithruskies]

Smelles fart

One day a man went to the docter and said to him "I have a problem " and the docter said "well what is it my dear boy".
" I have a problem with farting I have farted at least 20 times since I have been in your office-- but they are silent and don't smell--- what can I do about this problem of mine?"

The docter came up with this " rght my dear boy-- take these tablets and come back in 1 week".

So next week --- "Docter i don't know what the hell u gave me but when I fart it is still silent but it stinks terribly!" and the docter said " well now that we have cleared up your sinneses we can now work on your hearing problem"....

[Pasha]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: “Do you know what I`m doing ?”

“Yes,” she says, “you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“Correct,” says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I`m doing now”, he says.

“Yes,” says the woman, “you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”

“That`s right,” replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. “Do you know,” he pants “what I`m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You`re getting herpes.”

[Pasha]

TWO TOILET CUBICLES HAVING A CHAT.

A:
Not much action today mate?

B:
Nah, all quiet on the western front. I've had that shy urinater in again today and that's it.

A:
He always seems to pick you. (PAUSE) What's the deal with him anyway, micropenis?

B:
I can't see it so I presume so. And I'll tell you another thing, he sits down to pee.

A:
Sits down to pee? That blokes got gender issues, I tell you.

B:
Nothing surprises me these days, bloody weirdos everywhere. Funny enough, he always seems to read Bella.

A:
A bloke reading Bella, who sits down to pee, you can't see his dick and who doesn't poo.

B:
It has to be a woman, has to.

A:
Screw him or her, I'm bloody starving.

FX DOOR OPENING.

B:
Wahey, who's it going to be? I'm six-four up for the week.

A:
Six-five mate, he's coming here. (SHOUTING) Feed me! Feed me!

FX FART FOLLOWED BY SPLASH.

A: (munching noises)
Now, that's just what the doctor ordered. A little something to wash it down with...

FX URINATING.

A:
Aaah!

B:
I'm licking my lips just listening to you mate.

FX CLICK OF LIGHTER.

A:
The git's smoking, I'll get on to Health and Safety.

B:
Disgusting, no other word for it.

A:
Bastard, he's put the fag out in my bowl.

B:
Well, really, ruining a good meal like that.

FX DOOR OPENING

A: (shouting)
Oi! Oi! Flush the bleeding chain, I'll get indigestion.

B:
Mate, don't speak with your mouth full.

[Pasha]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying:

"Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

[Pasha]

A half-Jewish, half-black kid asks his mum, "Am I Jewish or am I black?"
"You're just my son" relpies his mother, "but why do you ask?"
"Well," says the boy, "my friend is selling his bike for £50 and I don't know whether to be a good Jewish boy and haggle or just stab the (+++++ ++++++) and nick it!"

[Pasha]

Elton john went to a tattooist

'I want a picture of a rollsroyce on my cock'

The tattoist looks at him and says

'you'd be better off with a LandRover!'

"It wont get stuck in that poo'!