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Post by danceswithruskies on Feb 11, 2011 8:26:27 GMT 1
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Post by Pasha on Mar 17, 2011 18:30:41 GMT 1
A Man Walks into a Bar ________________________________________ A man walks into a tavern and orders a drink. As he waits for his drink to arrive he turns his back to the bar and surveys his surroundings. He sees a half dozen men talking and drinking at one table, a few playing cards at another and a bar fly that is hanging loose bumming drinks, and in the very back, in a dark corner he spies a lone man. What strikes him about the guy in the corner was not that he was old and thin, but that he has a small head, not much bigger then a grapefruit. When his drink arrives, he asks the bar tender, “What’s the deal with the guy back in the corner?” “Bill, what about him?” “Well, he’s got a small head. What happened to him?” “I don’t know. Responded the bar tender, “I never thought to ask him.”
The man finishes his drink and leaves.
The bar tender begins to wonder about Bill, where did he get such a small head? And thinks, I’ve known Bill for over 20 years, or at least he has been coming in here for over 20 years. Was he born that way or was it an injury, or what?
Throughout the evening he wonders about, until at quitting time and the crowd is leaving, the bar tender walks toward Bill and says, “Hold up there Bill.” Bill slides back into his chair and the bar tender sets down not really knowing how to ask the question. But says “Mind if I ask you a personal question?” Bill guessed what the question would be and said, “Sure, go ahead. What’s on our mind Jim.”
Jim stalls just a bit and asks, “Bill, you have been coming here for quite a few years and have never asked you this, but, have you always had a small head?” Bill chuckles to himself and said, “Buy me another drink and get one for yourself, set down and I’ll tell you.” Jim locks the doors and turns out most of the lights and returns with two drinks.
“Well, it was nearly fifty years ago, I was in the south Pacific on board one of the finest sailing schooners that ever sailed the seven seas. But the skipper was of no account. He was always drunk, and should have never been Master of such a fine ship. We got caught in one of the worst storms you’d ever find outside the Horn. It raged for two days and nights, until the ship could stand no more, and broke into at least three pieces. I was on the bow when it happened and saw it all. The mid-ship disappeared under a giant wave. I was washed overboard and was struck on the head, but managed to hang on to some debris.
I came to on the shore of an island under a gray and misty sky. I passed out again on the end of an ebb tide on the beach. When next I opened my eyes the sun was just breaking the horizon at my back.
I soon realized I was the only one who made it to shore alive. Four bodies of the crew washed up on the beach over the next three days. The following week or two was like a mist, a dream or a fog, finding food and dealing with the pain, fever and spinning in my head and not to mention the wound to my leg.
After another week my head cleared, I decided to explore the island. Not yet having the strength to walk around the island, as it appeared to be a square mile or more. I decide to climb to a high place and get a better idea of what was on that end of the island.
Cresting the second ridge, I looked down upon a small lagoon. And then my eyes focused on a rock near the water, and on that rock was three, no four mermaids. Falling to the ground and moving back beyond the rise, I peered through the bottom branches of a fern. After several seconds they all seemed to come alert and looked in my direction. I knew they could not see me, but they soon disappeared into the water.
I went back to camp, taking stock in what I had discovered. They were, I realized a source of my salvation. A mermaid can grant a person three wishes, if you were lucky enough to catch one. So, I needed to review what I knew about mermaids. The more I knew the better my chances would be to capture one or more.
Searching my memory I soon realized that I knew more about them then I had thought. Mermaids can read your mind, if you are within 15 ft of them. And the reason they disappeared when I first saw them, was that they can tell if they are being observed by someone who is within 200yds of them. And within 100yds they know what is observing them. Yes, these things were good to know.
So, I would have to keep an eye on them and learn their actions and habits.
Two weeks later, I not only had a plan, I also had devised and built a trap. It was a large net woven with small vines. And I knew that they liked to sun themselves in the afternoon sun, dipping into the water from time to time. So, that gave me the whole morning to get the trap in place and set it.
The problem was, I had to be over 200yds away when the trap was sprung and cover the 200yds before they can work their way out of the trap and escaped. A few days later, everything came together and the trap was in place and set. Just as I figured they would, they showed up. They appeared on the rock as if by magic. When they stretched out on the rock I saw one of them tripped the trigger that sprung the trap.
I can’t remember ever running as fast as I did that day. All of them were caught in the net. No, one escaped then another. Just as I reached the trap the third one slipped out from under the net.
I grabbed the last one by the arm before she too could escape.” “Please sir, I’ll grant you three wishes if you let me go.” “Ok, I want a three masted schooner with a full crew.”
Pooofff
They were on deck of a 110 ft three masted schooner and a full crew. “You have two more wishes, sir.” “Well’ let me think here.” After a few minutes the mermaid said, “Don’t take too long, sir if my scales dry out too much I may die.” “OK, Ok!, ahh let’s see. Give me 10 million dollars in gold and jewel.”
PPOOOFFF
“I gave the crew the order to take it below, and as they worked the mermaid said, “You have one more wish sir, please hurry this stress is causing my scales to dry out faster than normal.” “Ok let me think.” Man, he thought the first two were a given. As he was thinking the mermaid reminds him with some urgency that time was running short.
“I’m thinking.” He tells her. As he looked at her, and he really looked at her and realized her beauty and that he had not had a woman in over a year.
“Please sir, she pleaded, there’s not much time I need to get into the water.”
Yes, a woman. No, a beautiful woman. But if he asked for a woman now he might be stuck with her. But then decided that he was a good looking young man and with the money he now had he could have any woman or women he wanted.
Then he looked at the mermaid again and she was beautiful. “Oh, No, don’t even think about it. I’m not built for it and even if I were my tail would get in the way.” “ Ok, how about a little head.”
PPOOOFFF In the water she went.
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