Married for ohhh too long

[danceswithruskies]

Fli wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again, but your dongle has had it! your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Fli groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have e9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly e1000 an inch."

Fli perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for a very long time and this is something you should discuss with your wife Ali.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

Fli agrees to talk it over with his wife Ali. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says Fli."And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says Fli. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[kergotu]

My wife phoned me at work and said, "I'm not wearing any knickers"
I said, "I'll tell the boss I'm feeling sick"
She said, "So you can come home early and f**k me?"
I said, "No, because I'm feeling sick"

[ianh]

My wife and I were driving along when she spotted a wounded skunk at the side of the road. She made me stop, she got out, picked up the skunk, and brought it to the car.
She said, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should we do?"
I replied, " Sit with it between your legs to keep it warm."
"What about the smell?" she asked.
I said, "Hold its f***ing nose!"

And that's when the fight started

[ianh]

The Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice " There's something I must confess" "Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right." "No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and ur best friends mom!" "I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes."

[Pasha]

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you" ...

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

.... She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

[ianh]

You've been eavesdropping on the witches again pasha

[ianh]

Fli had been out on the road for two weeks and stopped at a brothel outside Portsmouth.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

[Ali]