Him or Her Jokes- A continuance

[danceswithruskies]

Ali makes a Point

Fli says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Ali says: I clean the toilet.

Fli says: How does that help?

Ali says: I use your Toothbrush!!!.....

[danceswithruskies]

DYI Don't! A Tale of woe about Fli

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. Fli purchased his lovely wife Ali a pocket Taser as an apeacement gift and told me this story:

a few months he saw something in the local Second Hand Shop that sparked his interest.. The occasion was he had been norty again and he was looking for a little something extra to give to Ali to make amends.

What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??


WAY TOO COOL!


Long story short, he bought the device and brought it home. he loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! he was disappointed.

He learned, however, that if he pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; he got a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, he has yet to explain to Ali what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so he was home alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There he sat in his recliner, his cat was looking on intently (trusting little soul) while he was reading the directions and thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

He admitted that he thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if he was going to give this thing to Ali to protect herself against a mugger, he did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Was he wrong?

So, there he sat in a pair of shorts and tea shirt with his reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of his nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while he's looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to himself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but he did his best to describe what happened...?


There he was, sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

He decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. he touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

he was sure pretty sure Jolly Green Giant ran in through the side door, picked him up in the recliner, then body slammed them both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

he vaguely recalls waking up on his side in the fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position, and tingling in both legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds he had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by his body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (He can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), He collected his wits (what little he had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

His bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.His triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

His face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and his bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. He had no control over the drooling. Apparently he sh*t himself, but was too numb to know for sure and his sense of smell was gone. he saw a faint smoke cloud above his head which he believed came from from what was left of his hair. He is still looking for his nuts and is offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. Ali loved the gift, and now regularly threatens him with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
__________________

[danceswithruskies]

Deeply Profound Thoughts

BB and Barty are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, BB says--

"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Barty continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says--

"You better think it over, BB. Women like that are hard to find."

[danceswithruskies]

An Irish Tale

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, A big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief.

"I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods, and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[danceswithruskies]

An older couple just had finished supper,the wife asked her husband "what did he want for desert?"
The man perked up and says "sex".
The wife started getting her coat and purse and opened the door to leave the home.
"Where are you going?" the man asked in disbelief!
To the Doctor's Office to get a tetanus shot! she replied,"If you are gonna use that old rusty thing I need a tetanus shot!"
Then the fight started.

[danceswithruskies]

I wonder if any of our members knows this Mr Tombe or Rose??


A Sudanese man was forced to tie the knot with a goat in February 2006 after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, discovered the man after hearing a loud noise outside his house in the middle of the night. He found the man, Mr Tombe, on top of the goat. "When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up," Mr Alifi said.

Mr Tombe was ordered to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars to Mr Alifi following a meeting of local elders. "They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi added.

The goat, who was later named Rose, died in May 2007.

[danceswithruskies]

Underwear Dust
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such
a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust'
cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder
in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow'

[danceswithruskies]

Shopping Trip

Ianh and his OH are shopping in their local french super shopping arcade and ian picks up a case of cheep bear and puts it in their trolley.



'What do you think you're doing?' asks his OH.



'They're on sale, only 10 euro's for 24 cans,' he replies.



'Put them back, we can't afford them,' she demands and so


they carry on shopping.



A few aisles further on along she picks up a 20 euro jar of face


cream and puts it in the trolley.



'What do you think you're doing?' asks ian.



'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she replies.



Ian with a serious retort: "So does 24 cans of beer and its half the price!!!".

[danceswithruskies]

Mowing the Lawn

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When TJ's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, J kept hinting to him that he should get it fixed. But, somehow he always had something else to take care of first: drinking from his snifta, thinking up stupid questions, playing pool or taking a nap, always something more important to him.

Finally J thought of a clever way to make her point.

When TJ arrived home one day, He found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the House. He was gone only a few minutes. When he came out again he handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," TJ said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say he will walk again, but he will always have a limp

and maybe the tooth brush will come out naturally one day.

[danceswithruskies]

IanH chats with a Little Girl

Ianh was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to ianH, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said ianH 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'

ianH, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shiat?