Oldy jokes are the best

[danceswithruskies]

Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us
(Unfortunately it probably will)


LOST IN THE DAMNEST PLACES


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
__________________________________________________ ______________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year old
draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
__________________________________________________ _________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer ....'
__________________________________________________ _______________
LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked,
she would flip up the hem of her night-gown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
__________________________________________________ ___________
OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious... !

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared
all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is '
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
__________________________________________________ _______________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he
heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Ernie, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Ernie, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
__________________________________________________ ______________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight
was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to
herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?

============================================

En elderly couple was visiting another, and the husbands were talking on the patio while the ladies prepared dinner.
The host said to the guest: "We had dinner at this fabulous new restaurant the other day!"
"Oh? What is the name of the place?"
The host looked thoughtful for a moment and then asked: "What's the name of the red flower that stings, you know, the kind that you give to someone you love?"
"A rose."
"That's it!" brightened the host, and yelled to the kitchen: "Rose! What was the name of the restaurant where we had dinner the other night???


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
__________________

[danceswithruskies]

Raisin Bread

Saw this joke and thought of Stav, BB and TJ

A french bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day BB comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing BB with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, BB says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, TJ who has just entered the shop notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"Not yet," croaked the Stavvy excitedly, "but it's quivering..."

[danceswithruskies]

Always the Last One to Know
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked:
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news.
Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine.
Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be dischargedTuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything."

[danceswithruskies]

Happy Birthday Grandma

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson...
"They won't let me fart."