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Post by Pasha on Dec 28, 2011 9:39:13 GMT 1
RESOLUTIONS!
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!
Read less.
I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more.
Drink. Drink some more.
Start being superstitious.
Spend more time at work.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
Learn what the hell "resolution" means.
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Post by Pasha on Dec 28, 2011 9:40:14 GMT 1
A VERY BRAVE MAN
It was New Years Day and Billy asked his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies. "Billy, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
Billy thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Billy, all household appliances come in white."
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Post by Pasha on Dec 28, 2011 9:40:45 GMT 1
FILLING IN FOR ST. PETER
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.
"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.
As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!!"
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Post by Pasha on Dec 28, 2011 9:41:21 GMT 1
NINE THINGS I REALLY HATE
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to get up and change the channel manually.
3. People who say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. People who say "it's always the last place you look". Yeah, I tend to stop looking once I've found it.
5. When people watching a film say "did you see that?" Do they think I paid $12 to look at the floor?
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Did they give you a choice?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
8. When people say "life is short". Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
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Post by Pasha on Dec 28, 2011 9:42:10 GMT 1
POINTS TO PONDER WHEN YOU'RE BORED
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?)
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Post by Pasha on Dec 28, 2011 9:46:34 GMT 1
Here is some help for those of you who over-indulged during the festive season A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it. Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them. All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a fayre actually has a calorie deficit. Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including *biscuits baked and sent to college. Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed. All cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Bob" or "Good Luck, Pauline" in coloured icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite. Sausages, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom. If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down. Anything somebody made 'just for you' must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.
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Post by Pasha on Jan 1, 2012 8:30:00 GMT 1
A depressed man
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Post by Pasha on Apr 27, 2012 4:25:21 GMT 1
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' You're gonna love this!!!!!!!!!)...............
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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Post by Pasha on Apr 30, 2012 13:44:20 GMT 1
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1.. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over 6. Musical recliners 7. Simon says - something incoherent 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE 1.. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze
OLD IS WHEN 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long 3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr- Alt- Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called 'labor!'
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra:
Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
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Post by Pasha on May 5, 2012 6:07:41 GMT 1
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
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